My twins turned one last week, and we hosted the requisite first birthday bash, complete with cake smashing photo op. As with all first birthday parties, ours was really for the parents. In addition to allowing my husband to sip wine with other adults without leaving our house, the planning and execution of the event became an exercise in reflection. As I ordered the cake, decorated the yard, and eventually, surveyed the chaos that ensues after welcoming hordes of tiny humans into your home, I thought about my first year as a twin parent.

Cake Shot

This past year, in defiance of whatever scientific laws govern the passage of time, has been both the longest and the shortest year of my life. Roughly a year ago, I was massive, in pain, and emotionally drained from the stress of a high risk pregnancy. Seattle was enduring a hellish heat wave turned apocalyptic by wildfire induced smoke, and these conditions were not helping my mental condition as I awaited my scheduled C section. This uncomfortable state of limbo now feels shockingly remote. At the same time, like every other parent, I can’t believe my babies are one year old already. But mostly, if I’m honest, it feels like the past year has been a long one.

Cake Shot Take Two

Parents tend to describe their child’s first birthday as a major turning point, after which they feel more competent, calmer, and that life has settled into a comfortable rhythm. With my oldest daughter, things felt notably easier by the time she burned herself by grabbing her birthday candle (our twins’ party? Candle-less cake). One year in with my twins, I still feel like I’m barely hanging on at times. May I be allowed two years to adjust, one per baby?

I have three children now, each of them under three years old. This exponentially intensifies the experience; compared to parenting my oldest during her first year, the highs have been higher, and the lows have been absolutely miserable. One low that comes to mind? Sleep, of course. The sleep situation with newborn twins was, candidly, horrific, and took much longer to improve than it did with my oldest daughter. But, the twins’ sleep did progress over time, making the challenges inherent to life as a twin parent feel much more manageable.

General Mayhem

A high? The intensity of love in my life as a parent of three. To love several small people so much can be almost painful. As a person who tends towards emotional reticence, I work on embracing this love, and letting myself sit with it daily. It enriches my existence beyond understanding or belief, which at times overwhelms me with the purest joy I’ve ever experienced. And then I think about how many diapers I’ve changed over the past three years and how many I still have to change, and I want to tear at my hair and run screaming from my house.

When the twins arrived, I’d already raised one child to toddlerhood, which has been both extremely helpful and deeply stressful. The parenting experience makes things easier overall (as newborns, I wasn’t constantly afraid I was going to accidentally kill them, for example). But, as I consider my older daughter, how far she has come, and how relatively far the twins have to go, anxiety drifts in. I find myself wanting to accelerate time to the day when they all walking, talking, and no longer shriek when I leave the room. Although I theoretically know better than to compare them to each other, with twins plus an older child, there are myriad ways to fall into the comparison trap and emerge feeling like they, or more likely I, am falling short. The comparison angles are endless, and the dynamic can resemble a sordid love triangle.

More Mayhem

After having twins, my feelings towards parents of singletons have shifted. I look at friends with one new baby and find it hard to relate to them, while at the same time remembering how intensely challenging it was to parent my first child. I have felt grippingly jealous of non twin parents. I envy them the luxury of snuggling with and staring at and loving just one baby. I yearn for that experience, in place of constantly feeling like I’m neglecting someone.

In a year shaped by innumerable, drastic, and sometimes contradictory extremes, what have I learned? Having three small children so close in age means I’ve essentially been forced to accept assistance. I’m getting better at welcoming and even seeking out help. I am beyond privileged to have a supportive husband, family, and paid child care, and yet things still feel incredibly difficult at times. The magnitude of help I receive remains a source of guilt and shame for me, especially when I consider how much I still struggle, day to day.

Despite the trials, the tears, and the mountains of dirty diapers, one year in, I feel pretty damn strong. Day by day, I’m figuring out life as mother of three, and while it’s definitely not easy, I’m proud of my family, and of myself, and of how far we’ve come.

Well. Somehow, I’m a mother of eight month old twins. Plus a two and a half year old. This shit is tiring! But the babies are mostly sleeping through the night and I’m beginning to feel more like a human being. A human being that prefers to be ensconced in my bed by 9pm, let’s be clear. Twin life!

Regarding the challenges of raising infant twins, I’m not even sure where to start, but I do love a good list, so I’ll begin there. I’ve discovered some helpful hacks that enable me to get through the day with my children reasonably well cared for and my sanity intact:

At three months, and seven months

Let. People. Help. You.
Yes, everyone says this to new parents. But with twins, I highly suggest internalizing this as thoroughly as possible. Make a list of tasks, errands, etc. that you can outsource if people ask how they can help. Create a shared access spreadsheet if you are into that. And if overnight help is at all a possibility, prioritize that over other types of help. Our overnight postpartum doula (if you are in Seattle, Emerald City Doulas is fantastic) was a godsend during the sleepless hell of newborn twin parenthood. Many doulas will allow contributions towards a package of hours, if you have family members or friends who want to share the cost with you.

Our eyes don’t match

Baby Wipes Clean Everything
I’ve used them on myself (makeup removal and post workout wipedown because lord knows I don’t have to time to exercise AND shower on any given day), kitchen counters, and baby spit up on carpet, to name a few. Biodegradable options help cut down on the environmental impact inherent to raising multiple offspring.

Be Flexible With Timing and Location
Juggling the needs of multiple kiddos is tricky. Sometimes I end up feeding the toddler in the kitchen while diapering and PJing the twins on the floor nearby. The idea of a bedtime bath is very sweet, but for us, also painfully impractical: we do baths whenever I can fit them in. Perform tasks whenever and wherever seems to best make shit work.

Chowing down

Cute Baby Outfits Are (Mostly) Overrated
It can be really fun to dress up babies, especially twins. But despite what you may see on Instagram, I’ve found that adorable, multi component gettups usually just aren’t worth the effort. Zippered one piece pajamas are your friend.

Pretty Adorable

Make Your Home Your Sanctuary
You probably won’t be leaving the house as much as you would pre twins, or with one baby. Expect a bit of stir craziness and embrace opportunities to leave when you can, but make your home as comfortable and enjoyable as possible for the days when you’ll be stuck inside at the mercy of weather, sleep schedules, illness, or just plain exhaustion. Stock up on your favorite snacks and drinks in bulk, treat yourself to comfortable, washable clothing that you love, splurge on, or find used, cozy furniture. We picked up a used elliptical trainer so that I can sneak in some exercise here and there to keep sane, which has been extremely helpful.

I am a stay at home mom. A housewife. A homemaker. So retro! My feelings about my role vary dramatically.

After six plus years at the same PR firm I was feeling burned out, bored, and frustrated. I told myself corporate America was not for me. That I didn’t need the validation of a title and paycheck to feel fulfilled. So I am not working now, and my “job” is to watch my kid and do household-y type stuff. Mixed emotions abound.

Freezer contents for handy meal prepping

“Stay at home mom” doesn’t feel like an impressive title. I’m a rarity, at least among my immediate friend group and broader circle of Seattle-based peers. I often feel in some way deficient: why didn’t a have a career worth continuing? Sometimes, being at home seems like my default because I couldn’t figure out something more worthwhile or sufficiently lucrative. Too often, I beat on myself over this. My negative mental loop reads something like: Anyone can watch a kid. Kids are resilient. A chimpanzee could do it. Avery doesn’t really need me-she would likely be better off in professionally trained hands. Etc.

Typical mom shit

As a feminist, I have some issues with my current situation. The fact that my husband works and I do his laundry feels a little gross and uncomfortable to me sometimes. There are gender issues at play here. Would my husband stay home with Avery if I had the more lucrative career? Why might it be an easier decision for a woman to stay home than it would be for a man? I am also leery of feeling fiscally dependent on someone else. And, I feel guilty for not contributing financially to our situation and placing that entire burden squarely on my husband.

Job perk: mediocre fast food milkshakes without judgment

Stay at home mom-ing can be really boring. Its monotonous and entails a lot of menial work. Sometimes I feel unfulfilled. I would like to think that I am relatively intelligent and have more to offer than wiping a butt and cutting food into small pieces. Achieving something other than meal planning and grocery shopping for the week would feel pretty good. I was driving to an errand the other day, passed a woman in a business suit and heels, and the gut stab of envy was palpable.

Other job perk: hanging out with this one

Despite all of this bitching, I also feel pretty lucky. I appreciate that I don’t have to deal with office related bullshit. I recognize that most people I know find their jobs stressful, or boring, or draining, or all three. I know that my ability to forgo working speaks to my privilege-most people have to work. Or, have to stay home because they can’t work and afford full time child care. The choice I’ve made is a luxury. And my crock pot skills have come quite a long way.

So I’m having twins this summer. WT fucking fuck? There I was at the OBGYN, knowing I was knocked up but expecting to see just ONE baby on the ultrasound. I knew the one anticipated baby would be challenging, given I already have a toddler, but I figured I could more or less handle ONE additional child and was generally excited. TWO babies, as the doctor quickly announced were floating within the confines of my uterus, is an entirely different proposition.

TWO. BABIES.

I have numerous fears and anxieties about this development, which I don’t really feel like listing here, because I am trying to remain positive and not let myself spin down a crippling panic vortex. Not productive! Basically, my current womb situation is a great lesson in learning to let go of what you can’t control. If you worry about an outcome and it actually happens (unlikely), you will suffer twice! Yeah, all of that stuff. I’m being really zen about this shit. At least right now. Check in with me later this evening when I’m sobbing to my husband and shoving Girl Scout cookies down my gullet (Thin Mints are for basics, btw. Team Samoas, Tagalongs and Dosidos all the way).

Not Helpful

What Yo Do When You’re Having Two is a book I immediately purchased and read, because I am really good at impulse purchasing Amazon’s most popular PRIME eligible result for any given search string. It was very little help, do not buy this book. My two takeaways: 1. Since the author’s infant twins stopped breathing in her home a total of FIVE TIMES my babies will probably die. 2. A staggering 85% of twin mothers experience postpartum depression. So I have that to look forward to! Also, this book was completely devoid of helpful advice for parents how already have one (or more) children and are expecting twins. Instead the author made really supportive statements like “if you already have a child and are having twins, you deserve a medal!” Wow, thanks so much. I’ll keep that mind when I’m having a complete nervous breakdown in about nine months once I’m dealing with two newborns and a two year old. Amazon fail!

Can we get this one? Via amateuridiotprofessionaldad

Anyway, in other fun news we’ve decided to purchase a minivan, which is something I had always sworn I would never, ever do after becoming a parent. But following much debate and some tears (who cries over minivans? Pregnant me, apparently), I’m pretty sure it’s the sensible thing to do. I think we are getting one with AWD and leather seats at least, so maybe we are still a little cool? Ugh, I really just typed that.