Back on My Bullsh…I Mean Blog

Guess who’s back, back again.

Cool now I can look forward to Eminem running on repeat in my head during my weekly insomnia bouts.

I’ve neglected and then returned to blogging many times, so what’s one more?

Avery, looking innocent

Momming has been kicking my ass lately. The twins are almost two, a fact that I hope I don’t need to contextualize by bitching about how annoying almost-two-year-olds are, and how this is compounded beyond rational explanation when dealing with TWO almost-two-year-olds. And three and a half year old Avery, who was a (relative) delight at age two, has forced me to reassess my previous mockery of the term “threenager.”

Adorable curls

Ugh. Shit is hard. It’s so hard it’s hard to explain how hard it is. I’m too exhausted to relive it in my mind so I just go blank when people ask probing questions about the specific difficulties inherent to parenting three children who can’t wipe their own asses.

Nora’s natural state: in a park, screaming

Well fuck, I’ve been trying to think and to express myself more positively so my kids don’t grow into negative nancies like their mother, and based on the above you can probably guess how well that’s going. Stuff has also been really great in some ways!

I have three adorable (solid 5.5+ out of 10, each of them) and healthy*** children. My husband is pretty fucking great. And it’s basically summertime in Seattle. To the uninitiated, summer in Seattle is paradise. If Seattleites were lizard people who could soak up and then store the glory of Seattle summer to tap into during the unfortunate, dreary non-summer months, we would be so powerful we could take over the galaxy and enslave all lesser beings.

Hi Fam

Anyway, summer in Seattle = 80 degree weather with low humidity. Crisp views of snow-capped peaks. Hella boats, everywhere. Because there are a lot of richies in Seattle and richies LOVE boats.

To conclude, I still have three kids, still live in Seattle, and still pay hosting fees to maintain a blog I rarely post to! Fucking fascinating.

***Constantly virus ridden and also Liam probably needs surgery to correct his associative esotropia/stabismus AKA HE’S CROSS EYED and the not insignificant effort I expended forcing him to wear his supposedly corrective lenses was pointless because said lenses did absolutely nothing

One Year In, With Twins

My twins turned one last week, and we hosted the requisite first birthday bash, complete with cake smashing photo op. As with all first birthday parties, ours was really for the parents. In addition to allowing my husband to sip wine with other adults without leaving our house, the planning and execution of the event became an exercise in reflection. As I ordered the cake, decorated the yard, and eventually, surveyed the chaos that ensues after welcoming hordes of tiny humans into your home, I thought about my first year as a twin parent.

Cake Shot

This past year, in defiance of whatever scientific laws govern the passage of time, has been both the longest and the shortest year of my life. Roughly a year ago, I was massive, in pain, and emotionally drained from the stress of a high risk pregnancy. Seattle was enduring a hellish heat wave turned apocalyptic by wildfire induced smoke, and these conditions were not helping my mental condition as I awaited my scheduled C section. This uncomfortable state of limbo now feels shockingly remote. At the same time, like every other parent, I can’t believe my babies are one year old already. But mostly, if I’m honest, it feels like the past year has been a long one.

Cake Shot Take Two

Parents tend to describe their child’s first birthday as a major turning point, after which they feel more competent, calmer, and that life has settled into a comfortable rhythm. With my oldest daughter, things felt notably easier by the time she burned herself by grabbing her birthday candle (our twins’ party? Candle-less cake). One year in with my twins, I still feel like I’m barely hanging on at times. May I be allowed two years to adjust, one per baby?

I have three children now, each of them under three years old. This exponentially intensifies the experience; compared to parenting my oldest during her first year, the highs have been higher, and the lows have been absolutely miserable. One low that comes to mind? Sleep, of course. The sleep situation with newborn twins was, candidly, horrific, and took much longer to improve than it did with my oldest daughter. But, the twins’ sleep did progress over time, making the challenges inherent to life as a twin parent feel much more manageable.

General Mayhem

A high? The intensity of love in my life as a parent of three. To love several small people so much can be almost painful. As a person who tends towards emotional reticence, I work on embracing this love, and letting myself sit with it daily. It enriches my existence beyond understanding or belief, which at times overwhelms me with the purest joy I’ve ever experienced. And then I think about how many diapers I’ve changed over the past three years and how many I still have to change, and I want to tear at my hair and run screaming from my house.

When the twins arrived, I’d already raised one child to toddlerhood, which has been both extremely helpful and deeply stressful. The parenting experience makes things easier overall (as newborns, I wasn’t constantly afraid I was going to accidentally kill them, for example). But, as I consider my older daughter, how far she has come, and how relatively far the twins have to go, anxiety drifts in. I find myself wanting to accelerate time to the day when they all walking, talking, and no longer shriek when I leave the room. Although I theoretically know better than to compare them to each other, with twins plus an older child, there are myriad ways to fall into the comparison trap and emerge feeling like they, or more likely I, am falling short. The comparison angles are endless, and the dynamic can resemble a sordid love triangle.

More Mayhem

After having twins, my feelings towards parents of singletons have shifted. I look at friends with one new baby and find it hard to relate to them, while at the same time remembering how intensely challenging it was to parent my first child. I have felt grippingly jealous of non twin parents. I envy them the luxury of snuggling with and staring at and loving just one baby. I yearn for that experience, in place of constantly feeling like I’m neglecting someone.

In a year shaped by innumerable, drastic, and sometimes contradictory extremes, what have I learned? Having three small children so close in age means I’ve essentially been forced to accept assistance. I’m getting better at welcoming and even seeking out help. I am beyond privileged to have a supportive husband, family, and paid child care, and yet things still feel incredibly difficult at times. The magnitude of help I receive remains a source of guilt and shame for me, especially when I consider how much I still struggle, day to day.

Despite the trials, the tears, and the mountains of dirty diapers, one year in, I feel pretty damn strong. Day by day, I’m figuring out life as mother of three, and while it’s definitely not easy, I’m proud of my family, and of myself, and of how far we’ve come.

One Month, Three Kids under Three, Zero Nanny

So our much loved and much needed nanny (hi Gabrielle! We really do love you please never leave us again) left town for a month. We survived intact!

To be transparent, it was a convenient month to be childcare free. Travel plans and a heavy rotation of visiting relatives chopped up the month nicely. But it was still fucking hard. Googling “typical schedule stay at home mom three under three” helped me feel a little less shitty about how stressed and antsy I sometimes became. And reassured me that not filling the days with enriching, age appropriate activities and excursions didn’t mean I was neglecting and depriving my offspring. The motherhood guilt is real.

Big hat, small chair

The month is now a blur, but we definitely did a lot of stuff. Summer in Seattle things! We grilled a lot. I went on lots of walks and made lots of park trips. Those things are *somewhat* manageable while solo wrangling infant twins plus toddler. If you ever find yourself trapped at home alone losing your shit with three kids under three, and you live in Seattle, better hope it happens during summer.

Teaching his son how to rock a Hawaiian shirt

Another thing we did: travel by plane with all three kids. This was fairly exhausting, and at times mildly terrible, but made manageable by the presence of my father in law, the duration of the flight to Salt Lake City (90 minutes), and my husband’s MVP status with Alaska Airlines, which is obviously our favorite airline because we like to remain predictable by fulfilling as many Seattle stereotypes as possible.

Pool time

The trip went surprisingly well overall. My father in law’s new abode in Salt Lake City has a floatie equipped pool, which the kids loved. The weather was a delight; as a native Arizonan I am all about the dry heat. And Will and I got to sneak away for a couple dinners out (Red Iguana and Current Fish and Oyster. Both thoroughly enjoyable.) I also had my very first dueling piano bar experience. Weather, food and culture (and lots of international tourists…all LDS obviously)! Who needs Europe when you can go to Salt Lake City? Laugh/cry emoji.

Summer dinner get in my stomach

Another key achievement from the previous month: taking all three kids wine wasting. Apologies, Kerloo Cellars. We felt so guilty foisting our children on their tasting room that we joined their wine club! I highly recommend wine tasting in the Sodo area of Seattle if you enjoy wine, whether or not you have to pound your pours because you brought kids and they are losing their shit. Lots of great tasting rooms in close proximity to each other, but much less overrun than Woodinville. In addition to Kerloo’s Sodo tasting room, I like Rotie, Nine Hats, Sleight of Hand, and even the ubiquitous Charles Smith (maybe don’t bring kids to that one though). If you get sick of wine, Schooner Exact Brewing has a full menu and a kids’ play area.

Well, summer in Seattle continues, only now it’s 1000% better because I have childcare and can sometimes escape my children. I see a lot of grilled food, many short lived lake trips (turns out crawling babies aren’t that fun to bring to the lake), and gallons of rosé in my future.

Trip to Portland with Three under Three

I miss traveling. The kind that involves large aircraft crossing multiple time zones. But let’s not fall down that depressing hole right now. I may have three tiny people in my charge, but travel doesn’t need to completely vanish from our lives. Expectations just need to be reframed a little. Driving to Portland, Oregon in our minivan totally counts as travel! Right?

Portland is pretty fantastic. My husband grew up there, and my mother in law still resides in Northeast Portland, near the Alberta district. The spouse and I, pre children, would enjoy truly epic weekends traipsing about the City of Roses. Typical Portland weekend schedule: dinner out at delicious restaurant with in laws. Bar hop until all hours of the night, sans in laws. Bed. Scrumptious hungover brunch with in laws. Shopping and/or day drinking at breweries. Repeat. Drive home to Seattle in hellish traffic, complaining about impending gout.

Shockingly, this schedule has evolved somewhat. But only somewhat…beer and food, I can’t quit you. Especially in Portland. Things are generally more delicious and cheaper in Portland than in Seattle. And, I still experience symptoms of pre gout after every Portland trip. Which maybe means the trip was successful? Or I’m just a disgusting glutton.

Happy Hour Tacos at Cruz Room

Fatty liver notwithstanding, Portland with kids in tow was great (despite the usual challenges of road trips with small children. See: screaming; diaper explosions). Here are some highlights:

Lechon
Everything in Seattle has a parallel/twin in Portland. Lechon is in downtown Portland, which I would describe as the neighborhood twin of Seattle’s Pioneer Square. I picked Lechon for dinner because it was available via OpenTable, and the menu looked amazing. Everything we ordered was delicious, although I apparently don’t have photographic evidence of this. You’ll have to take my word on it. Solid choice for a dinner out.

Level Beer
This brewery is bit far from the center of the city, but perfect if you want your kids to take car naps. It features a large open air, but covered, space, and a sizable kid pit that kept our toddler entertained. The beer was tasty, and there was a food truck on hand, although we didn’t partake. Great family friendly option!

Liam peed all over himself, but Level sells onesies!

Great Notion Brewing
We, embarrassingly, visited Great Notion three times during the course of the weekend. This brewery is in Alberta, which meant we could walk there, and is kid friendly. The kid pit situation leaves a bit to be desired as it is tucked in the back of the space adjacent to the bathrooms. Lots of hipsters pityingly stared at us while waiting to pee. However the beer here is amazing. Lots of delightful hazy IPAs, which I am very into lately, and great sours.

Just grabbing a relaxing beer in PDX with our 27 children

Oysters @ Nostrana

Nostrana and Enoteca Nostrana
Parents night out went down here, and we grabbed a drink at Enoteca Nostrana prior to our dinner reservation at Nostrana. Holy shit, everything here was delicious. But the crab pizza was the clear winner. There is also a parking lot, rare for Portland but handy if you travel by minivan.

Twin Survival Tips

Well. Somehow, I’m a mother of eight month old twins. Plus a two and a half year old. This shit is tiring! But the babies are mostly sleeping through the night and I’m beginning to feel more like a human being. A human being that prefers to be ensconced in my bed by 9pm, let’s be clear. Twin life!

Regarding the challenges of raising infant twins, I’m not even sure where to start, but I do love a good list, so I’ll begin there. I’ve discovered some helpful hacks that enable me to get through the day with my children reasonably well cared for and my sanity intact:

At three months, and seven months

Let. People. Help. You.
Yes, everyone says this to new parents. But with twins, I highly suggest internalizing this as thoroughly as possible. Make a list of tasks, errands, etc. that you can outsource if people ask how they can help. Create a shared access spreadsheet if you are into that. And if overnight help is at all a possibility, prioritize that over other types of help. Our overnight postpartum doula (if you are in Seattle, Emerald City Doulas is fantastic) was a godsend during the sleepless hell of newborn twin parenthood. Many doulas will allow contributions towards a package of hours, if you have family members or friends who want to share the cost with you.

Our eyes don’t match

Baby Wipes Clean Everything
I’ve used them on myself (makeup removal and post workout wipedown because lord knows I don’t have to time to exercise AND shower on any given day), kitchen counters, and baby spit up on carpet, to name a few. Biodegradable options help cut down on the environmental impact inherent to raising multiple offspring.

Be Flexible With Timing and Location
Juggling the needs of multiple kiddos is tricky. Sometimes I end up feeding the toddler in the kitchen while diapering and PJing the twins on the floor nearby. The idea of a bedtime bath is very sweet, but for us, also painfully impractical: we do baths whenever I can fit them in. Perform tasks whenever and wherever seems to best make shit work.

Chowing down

Cute Baby Outfits Are (Mostly) Overrated
It can be really fun to dress up babies, especially twins. But despite what you may see on Instagram, I’ve found that adorable, multi component gettups usually just aren’t worth the effort. Zippered one piece pajamas are your friend.

Pretty Adorable

Make Your Home Your Sanctuary
You probably won’t be leaving the house as much as you would pre twins, or with one baby. Expect a bit of stir craziness and embrace opportunities to leave when you can, but make your home as comfortable and enjoyable as possible for the days when you’ll be stuck inside at the mercy of weather, sleep schedules, illness, or just plain exhaustion. Stock up on your favorite snacks and drinks in bulk, treat yourself to comfortable, washable clothing that you love, splurge on, or find used, cozy furniture. We picked up a used elliptical trainer so that I can sneak in some exercise here and there to keep sane, which has been extremely helpful.

Life Lately: Easter at IKEA

It’s a spring miracle: I’m working on a post while Avery is awake! This is only possible because every time she comes over and “asks” to be picked up, I do indeed pick her up but then immediate start filing her nails, which she hates. So she’s keeping her distance for now. Mom of the year!

Easter-ing indoors, as is the Seattle way

Easter-ing indoors, as is the Seattle way

We had a pretty good Easter weekend. One highlight was a child free trip to IKEA (my mother in law was in town and watched Avery). It was a pretty glorious excursion and we got a ton of crap for the twins’ room. My approach to their nursery is amusingly different from what I did for Avery’s. Avery’s room color: picked the perfect VOC free paint. Twins’ room color: color from the last owners looks fine to me! Avery’s room art: ordered stuff online and spent a ridiculous amount on professional framing. Twins’ room art: IKEA prints are cute enough I guess. Avery’s crib: found a charming mid century modern-ish crib via some blog I followed. Twins’ cribs: IKEA’s $99 option seems legit. Etc. etc. Sorry, twins. There are a lot of hand me down clothes in your futures, too, so get used to the neglect now.

Getting weird off IKEA espresso

Getting weird off IKEA espresso

Easter weekend also featured a dinner out, sans kid, for Will’s birthday. We went to Girin and ordered the tasting menu, which was reasonably priced and delicious. It’s a Korean restaurant, so meat and veggie heavy, so I didn’t feel totally disgusting afterward which was a nice bonus. If I overeat these days, the food and baby in stomach combo makes me feel like I’m going to die.

GirinSteak

Next notable life happening: family trip to Kauai in about a week. Six hours on a plane with an 18 month old seems pretty scary. I plan to get through it by imagining how much more terrible flying will be with three small children instead of just the one.

Real Housewife of Seattle

I am a stay at home mom. A housewife. A homemaker. So retro! My feelings about my role vary dramatically.

After six plus years at the same PR firm I was feeling burned out, bored, and frustrated. I told myself corporate America was not for me. That I didn’t need the validation of a title and paycheck to feel fulfilled. So I am not working now, and my “job” is to watch my kid and do household-y type stuff. Mixed emotions abound.

Freezer contents for handy meal prepping

Freezer contents for handy meal prepping

“Stay at home mom” doesn’t feel like an impressive title. I’m a rarity, at least among my immediate friend group and broader circle of Seattle-based peers. I often feel in some way deficient: why didn’t a have a career worth continuing? Sometimes, being at home seems like my default because I couldn’t figure out something more worthwhile or sufficiently lucrative. Too often, I beat on myself over this. My negative mental loop reads something like: Anyone can watch a kid. Kids are resilient. A chimpanzee could do it. Avery doesn’t really need me-she would likely be better off in professionally trained hands. Etc.

Typical mom shit

Typical mom shit

As a feminist, I have some issues with my current situation. The fact that my husband works and I do his laundry feels a little gross and uncomfortable to me sometimes. There are gender issues at play here. Would my husband stay home with Avery if I had the more lucrative career? Why might it be an easier decision for a woman to stay home than it would be for a man? I am also leery of feeling fiscally dependent on someone else. And, I feel guilty for not contributing financially to our situation and placing that entire burden squarely on my husband.

Job perk: mediocre fast food milkshakes without judgment

Job perk: mediocre fast food milkshakes without judgment

Stay at home mom-ing can be really boring. Its monotonous and entails a lot of menial work. Sometimes I feel unfulfilled. I would like to think that I am relatively intelligent and have more to offer than wiping a butt and cutting food into small pieces. Achieving something other than meal planning and grocery shopping for the week would feel pretty good. I was driving to an errand the other day, passed a woman in a business suit and heels, and the gut stab of envy was palpable.

Other job perk: hanging out with this one

Other job perk: hanging out with this one

Despite all of this bitching, I also feel pretty lucky. I appreciate that I don’t have to deal with office related bullshit. I recognize that most people I know find their jobs stressful, or boring, or draining, or all three. I know that my ability to forgo working speaks to my privilege-most people have to work. Or, have to stay home because they can’t work and afford full time child care. The choice I’ve made is a luxury. And my crock pot skills have come quite a long way.

Minivans and Other Unsettling Developments

So I’m having twins this summer. WT fucking fuck? There I was at the OBGYN, knowing I was knocked up but expecting to see just ONE baby on the ultrasound. I knew the one anticipated baby would be challenging, given I already have a toddler, but I figured I could more or less handle ONE additional child and was generally excited. TWO babies, as the doctor quickly announced were floating within the confines of my uterus, is an entirely different proposition.

TWO. BABIES.

TWO. BABIES.

I have numerous fears and anxieties about this development, which I don’t really feel like listing here, because I am trying to remain positive and not let myself spin down a crippling panic vortex. Not productive! Basically, my current womb situation is a great lesson in learning to let go of what you can’t control. If you worry about an outcome and it actually happens (unlikely), you will suffer twice! Yeah, all of that stuff. I’m being really zen about this shit. At least right now. Check in with me later this evening when I’m sobbing to my husband and shoving Girl Scout cookies down my gullet (Thin Mints are for basics, btw. Team Samoas, Tagalongs and Dosidos all the way).

Not Helpful

Not Helpful

What Yo Do When You’re Having Two is a book I immediately purchased and read, because I am really good at impulse purchasing Amazon’s most popular PRIME eligible result for any given search string. It was very little help, do not buy this book. My two takeaways: 1. Since the author’s infant twins stopped breathing in her home a total of FIVE TIMES my babies will probably die. 2. A staggering 85% of twin mothers experience postpartum depression. So I have that to look forward to! Also, this book was completely devoid of helpful advice for parents how already have one (or more) children and are expecting twins. Instead the author made really supportive statements like “if you already have a child and are having twins, you deserve a medal!” Wow, thanks so much. I’ll keep that mind when I’m having a complete nervous breakdown in about nine months once I’m dealing with two newborns and a two year old. Amazon fail!

Can we get this one? Via amateuridiotprofessionaldad

Can we get this one? Via amateuridiotprofessionaldad

Anyway, in other fun news we’ve decided to purchase a minivan, which is something I had always sworn I would never, ever do after becoming a parent. But following much debate and some tears (who cries over minivans? Pregnant me, apparently), I’m pretty sure it’s the sensible thing to do. I think we are getting one with AWD and leather seats at least, so maybe we are still a little cool? Ugh, I really just typed that.

Holidaze

Look at me, posting two weeks in a row. Impressive, I know.

I’ve been getting into the holiday spirit, which means decorating, overeating, non cheesy Christmas music, and wine. Good times!

tree

Although she won’t remember this holiday season, Avery will be able to enjoy it at least a little bit, as opposed to last year when she was pretty much just a lump. In holiday experiences thus far, she was pretty into the cookie I let her sample. I think we will skip the Santa photo ordeal this year because I really don’t feel like dealing with it, but we may go check out the gingerbread houses at the Sheraton.

Yum

Yum

Back to the cookies: if you like ginger, these are amazing. I made them and then ate an embarrassing number of them in one day. Then I tried to get my husband to take the rest of them to work, but he wouldn’t, so I hid them in the pantry to protect me from myself. #issues.

In other news, Avery is now napping once a day in the afternoon, which means weekend brunch is back on the agenda. Including brunch at Fat’s Chicken and Waffles, which we can walk to from our house.

Hell yes

Hell yes

Look at that amazingness. Highly recommended when you want what our household refers to as fatbrunch. Avocado toast/brunch salads/green juice = not an option here.

tea

To combat the cookie binges/superfluous gravy consumption/excessive wine drinking going down as of late, I’ve really upped my tea game and have been trying to swap wine and dessert for tea several evenings a week. These are all pretty delicious and as a bonus, I can take them to bed without risking crumbs and the wrath of my husband.

Mom Hacks: How To Not Look Like Crap

I wear a form of stretchy pants at least four out of seven days in any given week so maybe I’m not the best person to give advice on how not to look like shit. I also wear sweats, as in a legit men’s sweatsuit composed of a matching hoodie and extremely baggy pants. Point being, I’m not here to judge anyone.

I do, however, notice that when I put a small amount of effort into my appearance, I tend to feel better about life. And I do mean a SMALL amount. Here are some things I try to do when the showering once a week and wearing pants I slept in routine starts to wear me down.

Pants that aren't stretchy! They do have holes tho oops

Pants that aren’t stretchy! They do have holes tho oops

Easy Swaps
I am a ride or die Ugg wearer, deal with it. Uggs are easy, comfortable, and I actually like the silhouette. Yet sometimes real shoes are a good idea. So I bought these Chelsea boots from Nordstrom:

SHOES

SHOES

Stylish but painless to wear: they pull on. Not suede, so they won’t get totally fucked in the Seattle rain. I try to swap out my trusty Uggs for them a couple times a week. Other possible easy swaps I try to make when I am feeling dumpy: oversized sweater instead of sweatshirt, a more structured legging rather than my ratty old ones, throwing on a real coat instead of my husband’s parka. Baby steps.

Avery wreaking general havoc per usual

Avery wreaking general havoc per usual

The 15 Minute Rule
I’m the one who gets up with Avery in mornings. My husband works, and I’m home, so that’s just the way we roll. But I’ve started forcing dadpants to get up with enough time to allow me a brief stint to myself so I can get ready for the day. Being able to shut the bathroom door and spend some time on myself without needing to simultaneously prevent Avery from flushing the toilet repeatedly, accidentally ingesting toothpaste etc. makes a lot of difference in terms of my AM mindset. Bonus for everyone: I actually brush my teeth in the mornings now! And sometimes even floss them.

Kate Moss is my #momgoals

Kate Moss is my #momgoals

Embrace An Aesthetic That Works for You
My goal is cool rocker/tomboy mom. This is really easy because all my clothes are gray and black anyway, and my hair looks like crap so I can wear beanies and it works. I can throw on my trusty leather jacket over black yoga pants, maybe wear an ankle boot, and I have created an easy, comfortable, practical getup that also makes me feel like a decent human being. It becomes a uniform and then I don’t really have to think about it. As an overthinker, not thinking about shit sometimes is clutch for my sanity. If the rocker/tomboy mom isn’t you, there are a million other ways to go. Bohemian? Maxi dress and cardigan or army jacket. Glamorous? Knee high flat boots and hoop earrings. I’ve also found little, easy additions like a couple rings, or a scarf, or a cuff bracelet can help me feel more put together. Also, everyone knows this already, but dry shampoo. All day every day.